Guess Who’s Back, Back Again, Tiger’s Back, Tell Your Friends
That’s right. Tiger is 3 days away from teeing it up at his own event, the Hero World Challenge, in the Bahamas on Thursday of this week. I’m still skeptical that he’ll actually play and will have to see it to believe it. Word on the mean streets of golf is that TW shot 63 at Seminole last week. Vegas has his Thursday 1st round over/under at 72.5 with him more likely to withdraw during the event than win. He has the worst odds in the field to win. Imagine saying that 3 years ago. My prediction? He shoots 75-74 then claims some freakish injury that sets him back but doesn’t delay him from playing again come next February. What else do we know? He’s putting a Bridgestone ball in play. He’s got his same Nike irons in the bag. He’s going to have Monster Energy as his sponsor on the bag. And he’s using the Scotty Cameron putter that he won 12 of 14 majors with.
Anything else? Why yes, of course. In honor of his return and to spite the so called PC Police that enjoyed previous posts featuring SFG.com’s favorite game – Marry/Fuck/Kill, we’ll play a few speed rounds of M/F/K featuring all things Tiger. As always, this is for entertainment only. I’m not gay, I don’t plan on being so in the future. I also don’t plan on actually fucking, killing, or marrying any of the following people or objects mentioned. If you don’t get the game, don’t read anymore, just go back to being appalled at someone else’s internet ramblings. Mine are not to be taken seriously. Away we go.
Swing Coaches (Sean Foley, Hank Haney, Butch Harmon)
Marry – Yikes….This may be tougher than I thought. I guess I’ll marry Butch. He’d have my game ready for tournament play at a minimum. Plus he probably has the most assets to inherit and is the closest to being dead.
Fuck – Ok, this is hard. I’ll have to go with Sean Foley. He’s tiny and looks like a bottom bitch. I’m not a bottom bitch.
Kill – Hank Haney, no question. Dude talks to much, can’t keep a secret, and would write a book about my entire relationship with him like he did Tiger if he was my M or F. I don’t like the techniques he teaches either.
Caddies (Mike Cowan, Steve Williams, Joe LaCava)
Marry – I’m taking Fluff, A.K.A. Mike Cowan, for the same reasons I took Butch above. Cowan has a Fed Ex win with Furyk ($$$$$$$) and he’s bound to die off any day. Dude is old as shit.
Fuck – Yuck. Joe LaCava? Yeah. It has to be Joe. I’d bet there were plenty of times he had to work out his old boss’ back(Fred Couples). I’m grossed out by the thought but that’s how you play the game.
Kill – The kills are going to be the easy ones, aren’t they? Steve Williams. I hate this door knob anyway. I’ll kill him and bury him in a fucking caddie bib because I was always annoyed at him taking the bib off on the 72nd hole when Tiger won an event. No other caddie does this, ever. He did it because he’s a huge bag of dicks.
Girlfriends (Lindsey Vonn, Rachel Uchitel, Kristin Smith)
Marry – Probably his current one. Oh, you haven’t met her? This is Kristin Smith. She’s some sort of personal stylist. That’s good with me. She has her own career and looks old enough where she’s not going to want kids and all that other 1st marriage stuff from you.
She’s hot. And she looks like she’s probably into some freaky shit. She must be if she’s with Tiger.
Fuck – I’ll go with Rachel Uchitel. You can’t marry Rachel because she’s already gone through a few hubbies and her exs have roasted her in the tabloids. She looks good though. Put on a rubber and be done with it.
Kill – Easy. Lindsey Vonn. If you’ve read this blog for nearly 4 years you know I don’t like her look. One last time for Ms. Vonn….moo.
Most Won Events (Non-Majors) (Bay Hill, Firestone, Torrey Pines)
Marry – I’ve played Torrey Pines South, with those views I think I could handle playing it every day. That sounds like the marrying type so the Farmers at Torrey is the Tiger dominated (non-major) event I’d marry if the courts allowed for such weird things.
Fuck – Firestone, a made for TV WGC tourney on an old course that I’d want to play once, that gets the “fuck”. I don’t need to play it again. I’ll pay my guest fee and be done with it.
Kill – This might be painful for some of you to hear, but I’m killing Bay Hill. The course is rubbish. The event was a great tournament because of Arnold Palmer. Now that Arnie has passed the event will likely lose prestige and popularity. I’ll kill it for the Tour.
Tiger’s Entourage (Mark Steinberg, Notah Begay, Earl Woods)
Marry – Notah Begay. I like Notah. I think he’s good at his job. We’d have a great marriage playing golf every day together. We’d dominate couples events.
Fuck – Steinberg…… I guess?????? He’s going to be someone’s prison bitch someday so I’ll get him started for the sake of this weird game.
Kill – Earl Woods. I know he’s already dead, and that’s taking the easy way out, but the dude was a huge prick who Tida should have smothered with a pillow 20 years ago.
Champions Tour Tiger Bros (Mark O’Meara, Fred Couples, John Cook)
Marry – This game is only getting more weird. I guess Freddie. If I’m with him every day perhaps his coolness and fluid swing will rub off on me. Plus he’s a Masters Champ, Augusta access would be a benefit to any marriage.
Fuck – I don’t want to do this, Mr. O’Meara, but since he’s also a Masters Champ I’d have to consider it just to get a round in at the National.
Kill – John Cook, just because. I didn’t like him when he played. I think it was his flowing gold lettuce that just made him look like a d-bag. Now I actually like him on Golf Channel, for the most part, but the game makes no exceptions and I’m offing him in favor of Tiger’s other senior buds hooking me up in Georgia.
Greatest Majors (1997 Masters, 2000 U.S. Open, 2006 British Open)
Marry – How can you pick only one of these to spend eternity with? It seems impossible but I’ll press on and take the 2000 U.S. Open. Great setting, phenomenal play, and a white washing of the field. You have to marry Tiger in peak form.
Fuck – The 1997 Masters is like the perfect 10 at the end of the bar. You get one shot with her, you have a great memory of the event and it is in your highlight real forever, then its gone.
Kill – The 2006 British. This was a masterpiece. I won’t discredit it. I cannot. But homie hit like 2 drivers all week. That’s boring for Tiger fans that would otherwise have to decide to fuck or marry an all-time performance.
His Injuries (Back, Leg, Wrist)
Marry – I’ll go with his wrist injury, remember, the one he magically snapped back into place during the 2015 Masters?
He popped it back in!!!!? Hell yeah I’ll ride with that one for better or for worse.
Fuck – The broken leg he won the 2008 U.S. Open with made his 14th and final (to date) major win epic. That’s a one time event. If he did it again it wouldn’t be epic it would be bull shit. As bull shit as popping your wrist bone back in place. I wouldn’t believe it.
Kill – I’ll put the back injury in the “Kill” column. Why? Because it has mostly killed his career. Sure he could come back, but this nagging back problem has kept him out for 16 months now. It cost him much of 2015 too. I’m a Tiger fan, why wouldn’t I want to kill this mother fucker?
Enough of the silliness. I hope you got my point and had a fun trip down memory lane with Tiger in the process. Set your DVR. Get all the Tiger you can on Thursday. Every event he plays in for the next decade could be his last.