Random Shit Delivered Via Fed Ex

This Is Going To Be Like Porn, Mostly Because It Is About Guys Pulling Out

Tiger Woods finally let us in on his June tournament schedule and his plans for the U.S. Open. He did so via Twitter as he’s been prone to do of late. By now you know that he’s not playing in the Open at Oakmont or the Quicken Loans event he hosts. Woods tweeted that he’s making progress but he’s not anywhere close to tournament ready.

As if he needed to say it. We knew this tweet was coming after TW rinsed 3 balls from 100 yards at Congo last month. At this point I’m glad he’s sitting out. I don’t want him to embarrass himself any more. Coming back at Oakmont would have been idiotic. As in he’d have shot 86 twice and gone home while taking a beating by the press.

In other Tiger news he announced that he’s working on a new book that will give intimate details of his 1997 Masters triumph. Count me in on needing a copy of that. I think the boys at NLU are on the right track with this idea.

I’d also like a chapter on how high Fluff Cowan was on Sunday knowing the pay day he had coming to him and how easy his job was that week. What I hope isn’t in the book is discussion of what Fuzzy said on the back patio after his final round that year. Fuzzy’s comments have been beaten like a dead horse. If Tiger wants to give his honest reaction to them, go for it. Anything else is overkill. Make this about Tiger’s thoughts. Strategy on the golf course. Equipment he used. Advice he got before the tournament, etc.

Can Tiger get the book out by Christmas? I hope so, I need a stocking stuffer. What the fuck else does he have to do right now?

His Ferrari Pedals Must Not Fit His Tiny Feet

Ian Poulter has announced that he’s going to sit out 4 months to rest and rehab an injury he’s been dealing with to his foot. If you know how to use a calendar you know that this means Poults won’t be the lightning rod in the European Ryder Cup lineup this fall at Hazeltine. That’s a damn shame. No one is going to miss him except the American fans that were heading to Minnesota to heckle him. For all that Poulter has done for the Euro teams over the years he might have ended up being more of a weak link than being Seve with frosted tips.

Poulter played like shit and was insignificant in the last Ryder Cup. This year he’s been more of the same in PGA Tour events, dog shit. He wouldn’t have qualified for the Euro team and captain Darren Clarke would have felt pressure to use a pick on him based on his reputation. Poulter as a member would have weakened the Euro team in 2016. Now Clarke can pick someone who’s actually playing well and is a legit threat to win a few points. Oh but you say the Euros need Poulter’s fire and spirit in the team room? They’ll have it anyway. Clarke named Ian a vice-captain the other day.

I think this is a big break for the Euros. And I think Ian would have played through his injury if he was say, 5th on the Euro points list right now. If Poulter is anything he’s vain, image conscious, and fake. My gut says he didn’t want to be embarrassed by not making the team or having Clarke not pick him as a Captain’s pick. Crazy people think crazy thoughts. Don’t sell Ian short on this idea.

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