The House Always Wins

Good Luck Getting Phil To Realize That

On Thursday word broke that the SEC was naming Phil Mickelson as a “relief defendant” in an insider trading bust involving Dean Foods stock. The particulars of the issue are that Phil owned about $250,000 of Dean Stock. He got a tip in July of 2012 from a gambling friend connected to Dean that gave Phil a look at the company’s quarterly financial statement that was about to go public. Phil pressed his $250,000 investment up to $2.4 million. After the stock price increased quickly he sold out about a week later and netted close to $1,000,000 for his efforts. While it sounds harmless, what Phil did is technically quite illegal.

Bones wasn’t there to talk him out of driver when an iron off the tee was all he needed. The move by Phil to grab some quick cash is a classic FIGJAM play. The memes and GIFs that hit Twitterverse and various other interwebs on Thursday were endless and priceless. Being the novice legal expert that I am I initially thought this was no different than what Martha Stewart did to get her ass sent to the pokey. Apparently the SEC views Phil’s transgressions as a little less offensive. He’s not going to be charged with a crime. He’s not going to do any jail time. He simply has to pay back his profits with interest. I think Bitch Tits has that in his money clip at any given moment. He’ll be fine. He lost more money on the Super Bowl last year.

Muirfield, Meet Pine Valley & Butler National 

Muirfield has been part of the British Open rotation since Mobey Dick was a minnow, or maybe even before that. You may recall the championship course as the place where (ironically) Phil Mickelson won his last major in 2013. Muirfield is also one of the last remaining men only clubs that regularly hosts a championship tournament. In the United States, Augusta National finally broke their gender barrier by admitting two female members in recent years. While they’ll never admit it, they changed their stance on women due to public perception and their involvement with the USGA and PGA of America who are both public entities. Other clubs in the U.S. that are more than major worthy, like Pine Valley and Butler National, have chosen to keep their all-male clubs as they are and therefore are no longer asked to host tournaments. They are private, its their prerogative to do as they wish. I’ve got no problem with that decision.

On Thursday the men of Muirfield announced their most recent results of a member vote to allow women in their club. The numbers needed to be 66% in favor of such changes for the vote to pass. The vote was only 64% in favor of women. When this result was made public the R&A made a statement saying that Muirfield would no longer be considered for a host site of the Open Championship until women were members.

I’m actually pretty torn on the decision by both parties. On one hand I fully support a private entity doing whatever the fuck they want to do. They’re prepared to deal with the repercussions of not hosting the Open, so be it. On the other hand I don’t want them to not play the Open there, but I understand completely the pressure the R&A has on them to say why Muirfield is out. Corporate sponsorship pulls a lot of weight and appealing to women who have great purchasing power is a must.

Muirfield took a lot of shit for their decision. That’s the part I have a problem with. That’s their choice. Why do you care what they do? There was way too much public shaming of the club on Twitter and hundreds of hate articles written about their membership. Fuck that. I saw several of these from various golf publications that rank golf courses. So the same guys that think Muirfield is wrong are the same guys that rank Pine Valley as the best golf course in the world every year (with Muirfield also very high on the list). Do they not see how hypocritical that is?

So everyone got their grundles in a bunch, everyone had their bullshit say on the issue, and in the end I think it will largely be much to do about nothing. Muirfield members average about 80 years in age. They’ll vote again in the next few years and that 64% vote will go over the 66% threshold. Then their biggest issue will be rearranging the locker rooms, mens grill, and finding a place for the ladies to powder their noses. They’ll also have to actually find a chick that wants to join their stuffy club. The R&A will let them back in the Open rota and we’ll see a championship there by 2025. This is more of a “lose your turn” type of punishment than it is a public banishment for the rest of time.

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One Response to The House Always Wins

  1. ygirl says:

    Excellent column Dude. I don’t understand why Phil has gotten off with a slap on the wrist, I guess it pays to gamblewith friends in high places. As for Muirfield, give it four to five years and they will vote again and be back in the rotation. Too much money at stake not to.

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