Hump Day Musings: 2015 Predictions

Like A Broken Clock…

I wasn’t going to make predictions for the golf world of 2015 simply because I’m wrong more than I’m right. Then everybody and their brother went ahead and tried this topic out so now I feel obligated to follow their lead. Because I wouldn’t want to disappoint you I’ll go ahead and muddle through these.

Now that I’ve seen the future of golf, I’m ready to tell you about it. So onward and upward we go.

Swing Away

Don’t expect to pull yourself away from college basketball and NFL playoff games anytime soon. The West Coast Swing is going to be a snooze. Tiger will likely only play once. Rory won’t play period. And Phil won’t contend in the events he plays. Throw in some wins by journeymen and you can hit the snooze button and wake up in Florida in March before much of the new year means anything.

On To Augusta

Everyone and their brother has pegged Rory to win his first green jacket this year at the Masters. If not Rory, Spieth, Fowler, and Day are the next most popular picks. Rory will be right there, he’ll even have a lead on Sunday, but that bad joo joo Sergio rubbed on him here two years ago can’t be washed away. He’ll battle all day with a less talented opponent like Tiger Woods did at Valhalla in Bob May at the 2000 PGA. However, this time the little guy gets the big prize. Who is that man? Kevin Streelman.

No Spring In Springtime

The Streelman Masters victory over McIlroy will be epic, but the disappointment in the lack of a big name champ won’t do much for golf. Fear not, the big names will come out to play at the Players and other spring events. If Jordan Spieth is going to pick off a win or two this year, look no further than his home state of Texas for one of these. He might get the Players too if Graeme McDowell doesn’t.

By The Bay

Once well all get over how Chambers Bay looks nothing like your grand father’s U.S. Open course, we’ll begin to see the genius in its design. We’ll again hope for Phil to capture his first open, but watch painfully as he misses the cut. Tiger will contend to give us optimism in his game, but only briefly as Rory McIlroy takes out his Masters frustration on the field to win by 5 shots.

Across The Pond

Tiger will show that he’s got some more consistent form than he ever had in 2014 by winning his Quicken Loans event. And that momentum will carry forward to the fabled grounds of the Old Course at St. Andrews. He’ll be good early, and great late, while outlasting a leaderboard filled with big names and several red numbers. Yes you read that right, 7 plus years after winning his 14th major, Tiger fucking Woods finally gets number 15. Book it.

You don’t buy it? If John Daly can win a major here after being washed up, so can Woods. Tiger Woods will be your Champion Golfer of the Year.

Whistle While You Work

As I alluded to with my Masters prediction, there’s too much talk about Jordan Spieth and Rickie Fowler snatching up their first majors in 2015. It won’t happen. The PGA at Whistling Straights will be their best bet, and both will contend and fall short. In the end, Patrick Reed will lose in a playoff to…..another first time major champion. Matt Kuchar.

You think that’s an odd pick? No fucking way. He’s way over due. And he was the 36 hole leader at the Straits in 2010. This time he’ll come from behind to finish the job.

Team Games

The worst kept secret in golf right now is that Fred Couples will be named the 2016 Ryder Cup captain. That’s a step in the right direction for the confused task force that can’t make up its mind about this matter, but it doesn’t guarantee a victory at Hazeltine  next year for the U.S. squad. The matches are too far away to know who will be on the team.

Meanwhile at the Presidents Cup, the team that Couples used to manage will be in the far east taking on Nick Price’s International Team. This will be an international ass kicking. Price’s team will be ready, and sick of losing. Yet, the matches will be played at such obscure times on the other side of the world during football season that no one will notice. Not even the Ryder Cup task force.

More Nonsense

There you have it. Your 2015 major champs are Kevin Streelman, Rory McIlroy, Tiger Woods, and Matt Kuchar. I’ll take it. That’d be a helluva year, and a lot of fun to watch. You want more? Sure you do.

  • This week in Hawaii, Bubba cliff dives and hurts his shoulder on the landing. He’s not right all year. He blames Ted Scott for a bad read off the cliff and not noticing the cross wind that changed his direction after jumping.
  • In February Paulina Gretzky reveals that she’s not carrying Dustin’s baby. It is actually Zach Johnson’s child. Such a scandal keeps Zach from competing in the Masters.
  • In March, Ian Poulter comes out of the closet while playing in his home town event at Bay Hill. He makes the announcement via the cover of Oprah’s magazine that says “I’m here, I’m queer, and my trophy case is still empty”. Martin Kaymer has no comment.
  • In May, Tiger dumps Lindsey Vonn because she can out bench him. The reason he gives the press is that he needed to focus on his short game. His win at St. Andrews 60 days later is no coincidence.
  • In July, Amanda Dufner announces that she’s pregnant with the couple’s first child. Jason is thrilled with the news but shows no emotion about it. At birth, the child is stuck in a Dufner-ing position and must be delivered via an emergency C-section. Her Instagram followers decrease by 89%.

  • In September, 4 different players win the Fed Ex Cup events. Tim Finchem declares the playoffs a tie and Rickie Fowler eventually beats Brandt Snedeker, Jay Haas, and Charley Hoffman in a 14 hole playoff for the $10 million  prize.
  • In October, the 2015-2016 PGA Tour season starts and no one gives a flying fuck.
  • In November, at Mayakoba, Pat Perez and Patrick Reed get into an all out brawl with a fan that heckled both players. Reed was given a wedgie by the fan until Perez stepped in and smashed a bottle of Tequila (he pulled from his bag) over the patrons head. Neither are disciplined because it happened in lawless Mexico and was not caught on camera.
  • In December, Tim Finchem announces that he’ll step down as commissioner of the tour and that Joe Ogilvie will take over on July 1, 2016.

If 1/10th of that shit happens, we’re going to have a great 2015 for golf. Giddy up!

This entry was posted in Comedy, Courses, Majors, Presidents Cup, Random Shit, Ryder Cup, Tour Talk, WAGS and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Hump Day Musings: 2015 Predictions

  1. BB says:

    I don’t see Tiger winning a major anytime soon- and probably only one or 2 more in his career if he’s lucky. Random bad things happen to your body/metabolism in your 40’s but we can’t rule out a late life Nicklaus-like performance once or twice more from him which would be fun to watch.

  2. danrock44 says:

    Maybe you should have refrained from predictions — Tiger has already announced that he will play twice before FL — of course, he may ‘injure’ himself (be in position to miss the cut) and W/D.

    By the way, did anyone hear Zach Johnson drop the f-bomb as his pitch was rolling out on #18 last night? Maybe it was his caddie, Damon, or the mic picked up some random fan, but TGC announcers apologized for ‘what might have been heard.’

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