All Hail King Rory
He’s the new number one again, he’s the hottest player in golf, and he’s the favorite to win next week’s PGA Championship. He’s Rory McIlroy, and he’s the WGC Bridgestone Invitational Champion now too that he’s bullied Sergio Garcia out of victory on Sunday in Akron, Ohio.
Rory’s recent wins and fine play are no longer about good joo joo from dumping Caroline and getting his groove back. This is becoming pure domination. It’s no fluke. And if you watched any of the Bridgestone final round you saw exactly why Rory won, his driver. As the boys at CBS pointed out a few hundred times today, McIlroy is quite simply the best driver of the ball right now. He’s swings that stick fearlessly and hits it off every non par three tee that he can. That approach is quite refreshing to watch and the distance Rors hit his tee shots past a decently long hitter in Sergio Garcia was staggering. The streak he had of 20 some straight drives over 300 yards was pretty impressive in itself and it was shameful that such a streak had to come to an end on a 298 yard drive that got minus 1 foot of roll.
Trailing Garcia by shots entering the round Rory told David Feherty before he teed off that he felt he had to shoot 63 to track down the leader and win on Sunday. What a mindset. What aggression. And what brilliance. That’s exactly what he should be thinking in that situation. He executed his game plan to perfection by making birdie on his first 3 holes, and 4 of the first 5. Sergio looked like a boxer that had been dazed in the ring by an uppercut. The TKO was underway and even though Rory cooled off, Sergio never hit it close enough or made enough putts to actually scare Rory into thinking he needed to make a few more birdies.
Caroline, Nadia, Sasha….
So this is where I show you all the good recent pics of model Nadia Forde that’s been spotted with Rory McIlroy, right? Wrong. Think again. Playa ain’t got time to date just one foxy chick. After Rory won the Open he was immediately spotted with friend Sasha Gale, hand in hand, on one of his outings in the UK. Who the fuck is Sasha Gale you ask? She’s receptionist that is Rory’s newest side piece. Of course she’s easy on the eyes too. I know you probably need to verify that for yourself so let me save you the clicks.
She’s not camera shy, and she has booze in her hand in more than half the available pictures she’s posted on random social media sites. Good for her. We like everything about her. And I’m starting to think Rory will only be dating brunettes after his relationship with Wozniacki. I don’t blame him. Ever wonder how Rors meets a chick like this? I think this Vine from the boys at NoLayingUp.com gives us a sample from the CBS coverage today at Firestone.
These fucking chicks might as well pre-lube themselves and throw their vaginas right on Rory’s dick.
It was clear to see that after the first few holes of the final round this was a two horse race to the finish between Sergio and Rory. Keegan Bradley couldn’t find enough fairways to become a threat, but he did score enough Ryder Cup points to move up the standings and hopefully avoid having to be picked by Captain Tom Watson. You know that makes
lover partner FIGJAM a happy ending guy.
Speaking of Phil, he had his old bones all moving in the right direction today with a sizzling 62. Great round, Bitch Tits. Is it an illusion or a sign of a good showing coming next week at Valhalla? Don’t hold your breath. The strong finish moved Phil into T15. He still hasn’t had a top 10 all year.
And then there’s Sergio. He of the back nine 27 on Friday. He of the 11 straight one putts. He of the 54 hole three shot lead. Just like Furyk last week in Canada, Sergio was tracked down by a hotter player and beaten for the trophy on Sunday. Both Jim and Sergio didn’t find enough magic to make a win happen. Their careers are starting to become eerily similar if you stop and think about them (save Furyk’s one major). They both must have allergic reactions to winning. I thought Rory’s hot start intimidated Sergio to an extent, as if he looked across (or 30 yards ahead) in the fairway and said, “this guy is that much better than me, why try?”.
That might not be too far off from being the absolute truth. Garcia has oodles of scar tissue built up from getting his head slammed in the door by Tiger Woods. That’s 1.5 decades of bitch slaps. Then he plays his ass off this week only to be caught by Rory after 4 holes on Sunday. I’m sure that’s deflating, but is he really that mentally weak to not fight back? I don’t know, and I’m not going to waste my time trying to figure out how that mental midget thinks. What I do know is he seems all too comfortable collecting 2nd place checks.
Bubba Won’t Drive, But Does Queef
Bubba Watson didn’t contend this week at Firestone, but he did make a bit a news. Not for playing with Tiger while he re-injured his back and withdrew from the event. And not for this funny quip that was tweeted either.
Bubba told golf journos that he won’t participate in next week’s long drive contest held during a practice round at the PGA. He says he’s not there to hit long drives, he’s there to play golf. Fuck you Gerry. You are who you are because you do hit long drives. If you couldn’t hit a 366 yard cut at Amen Corner you’d be cleaning puke off the floor at a Waffle House.
Why is he running from this? He’s a scared little bitch, that’s why. He leads the tour in driving distance and probably figures J.B. Holmes or someone of that ilk will rip one past him. Pussy. Who’s missing out? Fans and charity. If Bubba did win or place in the contest a charity of his choice would get a nice check. Why not give it a rip?
Ailing Tiger, Again
I think we all had a pretty good idea that this could happen. Mortals don’t come back from back surgery after 11 weeks off and start launching golf balls at 180 mph without some sort of repercussion. Tiger Woods is now more mortal than ever, and therefore not immune to aggravating his back by playing golf. My question is, who let him make this decision? Where was Steinie? Why didn’t anyone tell him to put in the work and make sure his back was up to snuff before he starting making full swings again.
I’m sure he was warned, and I’m sure he didn’t listen. His ego won’t let that happen and the chance to play in two more majors made his decision easy (to justify in his mind). What’s next for Tiger is anybody’s guess. Perhaps the latest injury is simply a spasm and he’s good to go for more shitty golf at Valhalla next week. I wouldn’t count on it. The CBS boys sure felt like Tiger’s 2014 was done, but what the fuck do they know? You know who isn’t bothered by this at all? Tom Watson. No matter what Tiger does at the PGA Championship next week, Watson now has every reason not to pick him. That’s probably best for the team and Watson doesn’t have to tell the brass at the PGA and NBC (who covers the Ryder Cup) why Tiger is staying home.
Let me just toot my own horn here for 20 seconds, please. While I wrote with ‘extreme speculation’ about Dustin Johnson’s cocaine habit last week some folks thought speculating and jumping to conclusions about why Johnson took leave was the wrong decision. First, checking my opinion at the door isn’t what this site it for. Second, wild speculation is what I do best. Third, it turns out I was right. It wasn’t exactly hard to figure out DJ’s issues. The interwebs are full of dark places with valuable information.
And remember that episode I told you about last week in which I played like a jackass in a mid-am qualifier and had to withdraw? On Sunday I found myself back in the saddle competing in the championship match of my city match play event. With my confidence shattered, I had no idea what to expect today. Golf is a funny game that way because somewhere between the first tee and the back nine I found something and then it was trophy time in the ShutFace household today. If you too are struggling with your game, hang in there, you can change your whole mindset in a mere 72 hours.
WAG Of The Month
Just an FYI for those of you that may not have noticed. The calendar turned from July to August and that means a new WAG of the Month had to be crowned. If Rory had made anything official with any woman this month that broad would have won. Instead, Rory is nailing hot chicks left and right, but that doesn’t make them a WAG, just a fuck toy. Thanks to Rory’s man-whore-ness, he didn’t leave me with a ton of options. Brian Harman’s girl made a late push. I nearly went with Alexandra Browne (linked to Rickie Fowler) but we don’t know if she’s still with Dick or was simply his beard for the 2010 Ryder Cup.
In the end Mrs. Tim Clark took home the honor. I know, I know, she was the safe choice….you’re disappointed in me…..blah blah blah…… but hey, I think she earned it. And last I checked its not like you guys are putting up nominations left and right. I’m open to a democracy….sort of.