Breaking News: Bitch Tits Being Probed

By The FBI For Insider Trading

Nothing good ever comes of Phil’s visits to Ohio. Apparently after his 1st round at Muirfield Village on Thursday two FBI agents came to Phil to talk to him about some stock he bought and sold in 2011. It seems as though Mickelsauce got a tip from a professional gambler friend second hand. His knowledge of where that information came from and what he did with it is what will decide if he gets to go on vacation like Martha Stewart or continues his jet set life as he knows it without interuption.

If you want the nitty gritty details, check the full story from the WSJ here. The short of it is, billionaire Carl Icahn is a friend of a friend of Phil’s. It’s believed that Icahn shared non-public information with a gambler Mickelson associates with. The investigation was launched three years ago after Icahn made a $10.2 billion offer for Clorox and the stock skyrocketed amidst suspicious trading. The FBI and SEC are taking a closer look at Mickelson and his gambling associate’s stock trading patterns to see if there is a pattern resembling trades made by Icahn for large financial gains.

Phil of course referred the agents to his attorney and the Mickelson lawyer says that Phil isn’t the target of an investigation. Well no shit he’s not the target, but he might get sucked in by the undertoe. My prediction, he’ll cooperate, he’ll play dumb, he’ll get a slap on the wrist and he won’t think about it again. The problem is, he’s 13 days away from the beginning of the U.S. Open at Pinehurst. That’s a championship he now covets more than any other on a course he knows he can win on. He doesn’t need the distraction, he doesn’t need the questions, and he doesn’t need the extra spot light.

But isn’t that when Phil shines his brightest? He was 2nd at Bethpage when wife Amy was sick. He won the British Open after falling on his face a month earlier at Merion and everyone watched closely to see how he’d respond. How fucking great would it be to see him win the open at Pinehurst, slap five with the Payne Stewart statue as he walks of the 18th green, then watch him get cuffed and taken away by the FBI? A guy can dream can’t he?

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