Jesus Christ Aids Simpson In Six Shot Vegas Victory

Jesus And Sin City Are Like Peanut Butter And Jelly

Of course they are, and that’s the only reason that I can think of as to why Webb Simpson thanked JC first and foremost for after his win at the Shriner’s Hospitals For Children Las Vegas Open. Didn’t Tiger do the same thing when he won his first PGA Tour event there in 1996? Have I lost you yet? Since I know you were again watching football all weekend and ignoring your first love of golf, perhaps you missed that the tour’s second event of 2014 was played in Las Vegas. The 2012 version of Webb Simpson skipped most of the 2013 PGA Tour season, in other words, Webb played like shit. But the 2014 version appears to have some of the 2012 model in him and has started the new (tour) year with a bang.

This one wasn’t even close. Simpson posted rounds of 64-63-67-66 for a 24 under total and a six shot margin of victory. That’s kicking the field’s ass on the modern day tour. This was Simpson’s first win since the U.S. Open at Olympic in 2012 and the fourth win of his brief career. He defeated Jason Bohn and Ryo Ishikawa who tied for 2nd. Believe it or not, this was Ryo’s highest ever finish on tour. That’s somewhat shocking when you consider all the hype we’ve heard about his game over the last handful of years.

Chesson Hadley Debuts

The other notable of the top ten to me was rookie Chesson Hadley. He’s the tall, lanky guy in green behind the hot chick (SUN GLASS HOT WARNING, all bets are off until we unmask her) in the picture below. Hadley basically received his tour card yesterday and is already taking advantage of the opportunity to take home large checks on the big boy tour. The former Ramblin’ Wreck golfer was a 3 time All-American and is being touted as an up and coming young gun in the 2014 rookie class.

Playing in the final group, Hadley got off to a rough start with a bogey at the first hole which lead to a plus two front nine, but he fought back with a strong three under bogey free back nine to finish T5. Way to hang in there kid.  His gumption makes him easy to root for after just one tournament. Hadley admitted that his nerves got the better of him out of the gate and he shit himself on the front nine.

I love his honesty. The only thing I’m leery of with him is that his bio says he met his wife before either of them hit puberty. Huh???? Tell that to a woman and she’s saying, “ohhhhh……how sweet”. Meanwhile, every guy reader of this site just puked a little in his mouth and feels bad that this poor schmuck has no idea what any other vagina feels like. Even worse, he’s now a well paid professional athlete that doesn’t get to go bang all the tour groupies. Poor bastard.

Back to Webb

This isn’t going to turn into some scolding for an athlete being forthcoming about his strong religious beliefs when a guy shoves a microphone in his face after an emotional win. Well, not completely. Believe it or not, I’m a religious man. I have nothing but respect for athletes that have messages about religion on their bags, shoes, hats, jewelry, etc. That’s walking the walk and living their life in a way that they’ve been given the freedom to do in our great country.

Good for them. I just don’t buy the fact that Jesus, God, Joseph Smith, the Pope, the Dalai Lama (no, check him, he cares), Buddha or any other religious figures cares about a golf tournament in Las Vegas with a 7 million dollar purse. The kids in Shriner Hospitals benefiting from the tournament???? Sure. That’s where JC’s focus is, but I don’t think he’s got the time to help Mr. Simpson make a 12 footer for par to save his six shot lead on the 72nd hole, and I certainly don’t need to hear a guy thank his religious leader for the strength they gave them to persevere and win. Am I wrong? I’ll get off the soap box now and get back to what matters.

News Photo: Webb Simpson and his Dowd Simpson share a…

Webb ‘N Dowd

Webb winning again also means the obligatory comments on the Missus. Dowd Simpson was at Webb’s side when the big check and trophy were presented like most trophy wives of the tour. I completely over-looked her in my recent post about Presidents Cup WAGS. It was intentional. Honestly, she’s never done much for me. She’s a knock out, but there’s nothing exotic about her that grabs my attention. Of course if we saw her on the street we’d drop our jaw, forget our name, and not be able to tell her where the nearest Starbucks is as we slightly pre-cum, but that shit doesn’t count when I’m purely objectifying a tour player’s wife on this page of the internet.

I know you’re just going to Google her now anyway, so I’ll spare you the trouble. Her best are below, enjoy, and no fapping while my site is still on your screen. I don’t need to feel your shame. Look at the baby, look at the baby……that should slow you down.

Hmmm……..maybe this Jesus thing is worth looking into…..ummmmm…. you know, for you single guys.

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2 Responses to Jesus Christ Aids Simpson In Six Shot Vegas Victory

  1. cheesefunnel says:

    You completely summed up my feelings on the JC name-check, I didn’t hear him thanking JC for his shitty 2013 results, after all, it must have been part of the big man’s plan. Every time Web, Zakk or Bubba get near a mike, I cringe, you just know what’s coming. At least when Web wins, we get a bit more Dowd, which is a good thing. Why does she call herself ‘Dowd’ anyway? Isn’t her name Taylor? Is that too racy?

  2. Brotkopf says:

    Thanks. I’m gonna think of pre-cum when I get my dark roast at Starbucks now. Yikes.

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