The Shutters: Player Of The Year

Back To The Show

By now you’ve likely realized that I don’t do things like everyone else or like other websites, golf blogs, etc. So why should my year end awards be any different? Now that the Presidents Cup is over we can get back to the Shutter Awards and pick up were we left off. Today’s Shutter is for Player of the Year. This isn’t only for a PGA Tour member, this is for all of golf. If an amateur won the Publinks, the U.S. Am, and the Western Am, I’ve probably give that fella my POTY award. You have a great year compared to your peers and impress me and you get nominated, it’s that simple. That’s why you’ll see Inbee Park’s name below. She won 3 majors against her gender this year, that has to get you a nomination.

Let’s get to it.

The Nominees Are

Phil Mickelson – Ahhhhh……sweet Bitch Tits. He lipped out for 59 in Phoenix, felt more heartache in a U.S. Open at Merion, won the Scottish, and then went and got himself a Clarret Jug to take back home to the states. If you’re scoring at home, that’s 3 wins and 1 major. Obviously anyone snagging two majors in a year would win the Shutter going away (unless another player won the other two). Close, but no cigar for Phil.

Where does Phil lose points? Outside of the stretch from Merion to Muirfield and a hot week in Scottsdale, Phil didn’t do much. I award consistency as much as anything. Will Phil’s 2013 resume be enough? The Open Championship is a big feather in his cap, and I think your success in a year can only be measured by expectations. Phil probably exceeded his and he definitely exceeded any I had for him.

FIGJAM has already won the Shutter for Round of the Year and has been nominated for Shot of the Year and Whiny Bitch of the Year.

Jordan Spieth – If you would have told me a year ago that Jordy would have won on tour and made the Presidents Cup team (or even played well enough to be a captain’s pick), I would have told you to put down your crack pipe. Spieth was a super-star of junior golf and had an extremely successful, albeit brief, amateur/collegiate career, but none of that guarantees you the type of success he’s had on tour already.

When 2013 started Jordan had no status on the tour. He used sponsor exemptions and Monday qualifiers to get into tournaments and then played well enough to get more opportunities and make enough money to get his card. Still, that didn’t make him a member for the current year and gave him no Fed Ex points unless he won. So what did he do, he went out and won the John Deere to kick down the door to full fledged tour membership.

I’m not even giving out a Shutter for Rookie of the Year, he’d win that too easily. Why waste the time? My argument for Spieth winning the Player of the Year Shutter is based on expectations. If he had a full year on tour, I think he’d have won no less than twice and would have easily qualified for the Presidents Cup team. He likely still would not have won a major, and that probably keeps him from winning this award, but I think nominating him shows just how good of a year he had puts it in some perspective.

Tiger Woods – You’d think that a Players Championship and four other tour wins would lock up the Shutter in this category. Again, it’s all relative to expectations with me. Is it fair that I ask Tiger to win 5 times just to be nominated for POTY? Yes, you’re damn right it is. He’s the greatest player of all time. Yet, it’s well past 5 years since his last major. That’s a big knock on his year no matter how you slice it and he knows it.

I should also probably deduct points from Tiger for dating Lindsey Vonn. Shit, in some states what he’s doing with her is illegal and considered beastiality. I suppose I’ll leave her out of this argument and try to focus on his golf. What really hurts his case in my opinion is his lackluster play, by his standards, down the stretch of the year following the PGA and into the Fed Ex Cup Playoffs. I think he redeemed himself a bit at the Presidents Cup by going 4 and 1 and playing mostly solid golf. However, there was no pressure on him and match play results should always be taken with a grain of salt.

Inbee Park – Yes, you read that correctly. Our 4th nominee is a woman…errrr…..well… she plays on the ladies tour anyway. Inbee won the first 3 majors on the ladies’ tour in case you missed it. Then she went to St. Andrews for the women’s version of the British and shit herself. She’s a great player, she had a great year, and she certainly deserves this nomination.

All that being said, I can’t give her the award, can I? This has nothing to do with me being a chauvinist pig. If I was a pig, I wouldn’t even nominate her, would I? It has everything to do with the tallest midget theory. I can’t consider her accomplishments on the LPGA to have the same weight as her male counterparts because the men’s tours are so much deeper in talent than the LPGA is.

Henrik Stenson – By now you all know Stenson’s comeback story. He sunk to some god awful low world ranking, rose up to 4th, fell back again, then in July of 2013 got hotter than friction burn on a whore’s back. Stenson finished second to Phil the two weeks in a row that Phil won. He only had 1 finish outside of the top ten down the stretch, won in Boston, and then took the big prize in Atlanta by winning the Tour Championship and the Fed Ex Cup.

Remember, judging a player’s year is all about expectations. I can’t imagine anyone expected the big Swede to win twice this year, let alone play as well as he did and win the Fed Ex Cup. The blank space on his application for POTY is the lack of a major, just like Tiger. Side bar –  Stenson wears Hugo Boss, the same clothing company that made the Nazi’s uniforms. Hmmmmmm…..come to think of it, Henrik has a bit of a Nazi look to him, doesn’t he?

Thanks For Playing

Who’s missing from these nominations? Likely everyone’s player of the year from 2012, Rory McIlroy. As you all know, Rory switched equipment, managers, management companies, started his own management company, watched a bunch of tennis, etc. Basically, he did everything but play golf well in 2013. I don’t think he has anyone to blame but himself.

What we can expect from him in 2014 is anybody’s guess. He could get worse and turn into David Duval, or he could win 3 majors and walk around slapping all his naysayers with his dick. Whatever the case, this season was an epic failure and gets him a mention as the Toilet Bowl POTY award winner.

The Winner Is…..

Spieth……no, great year, but not in the same category as the others. Inbee? Like I said, tallest midget. That leaves Tiger, Phil, and Stenson. Without majors for Stenson and Tiger, can I give either the award? Tiger judges himself on majors and finishing 2013 without one should mean he’s not his own POTY.  Somewhat by default I think I have to give the Shutter to Phil. The sack he showed to comeback from his heartache at Merion and win the British is big time. I dog Phil plenty, but that’s a big set of balls and great golf he played overseas in July. That makes FIGJAM my Player of the Year. Congrats, Phil!

Did I get it right? Hit up the poll below or leave a comment. Next up, the Shutter for Shot of the Year. Stay tuned.

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6 Responses to The Shutters: Player Of The Year

  1. I’m going to be a contrarian and go with Michelle Wei, because of dat ass

  2. cannuck says:

    Lindsay is super hot and u know it

  3. R. Smith says:

    I’m surprised you don’t get a lot more comments on your blog. It’s hard to write about golf and make people laugh out loud even if you have to resort to misogyny to do it. Kudos for a fun, insightful and often cringeable place to read about golf.

  4. DT Shanghers says:

    Tough call but I can’t argue with FIGJAM as POY simply due to that final round at the Open where no one expected him to win. That was an all time top round and the 17th was phenomenal. No question he would take a claret jug over 5 (or 10) regular wins.

  5. BB says:

    5 wins in fairly loaded tournaments is impressive but the true litmus test is knowing Tiger would rather have Phil’s year in a heartbeat. Tiger is a victim of his own expectations.

  6. Pingback: Putting The Bitch Tits Tax O-Meter To Bed | Shut Face Golf

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