Nike Orgy Moves To South Beach To Eiffel Tower Webb Simpson: Doral Preview

Abu Dhabi Take Two

Haven’t we seen this movie before? Big presser for Rory, playing with Tiger, doubting an equipment change….Phil Knight/gaggle of hookers/kilo of blow???? Oh yeah, that’s right, the giant queef in the Middle East from January. Well tomorrow is take two for the $woosh power couple. This time the Nike orgy dumps Martin Kaymer to pull the Eiffel Tower on Webb Simpson. The threesome tees it up around noon eastern on Donald Trump’s Blue Monster (no, that’s not another gay innuendo) and the world will be watching to see how Rory responds to last week’s WD.

The news of the day was Rory calming the rough waters he stirred up last week by leaving the Honda early. Rory had a lengthy presser in Miami to say nothing but, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that, and I’m still dating the homely tennis chick”. He also indicated that he needs to get back to having fun on the golf course and fix his swing. Easier said than done. Kudos to Rors for spilling his guts and giving the media such refreshing/honest answers. This whole “quit” thing should be dead and buried by next week and the golf scribes will move on and discuss only his golf game, good or bad, from here to Augusta.

I’m not expecting much from either of the guys wearing a $woosh. How could we? They haven’t played the weekend in the same tourney yet this year! The WGC event has no cut and the course isn’t overly difficult in comparison to last week. The weather looks to be great all four days too. Expect red numbers and plenty of birdies. While I don’t think Rory and TW will contend, the factors I just mentioned should help them finally break par and build some confidence. Just an FYI, McIlroy has yet to break par this year and Tiger didn’t break par once last week for the first time since his disastrous 2010 edition of the WGC at Firestone. Who do I have? Hunter Mahan. I stayed away from Geoff Ogilvy because he seems to be a popular pick. I’m sure I’ll regret it.

3 Open Champs

Yes of course Tiger and Rory are U.S. Open champs. Bet you probably forgot that Webb won the open just last year, didn’t you? Maybe his switch from the beloved Polo sponsorship to Izod has caused your attention to him to fade. It’s possible, just look at those Mr. Rogers cardigans he was wearing out west…..blaaaaaaaarrrrrgghhhh……awful.

More likely he’s just a bit off your radar at the moment because he hasn’t played that well in 2013 (yet). I think he’ll ratchet his game up a bit with the tour’s shift back to the Florida events and nicer weather. This trend could start as early as tomorrow. The $woosh boys will get all the press, but Webb will likely beat them both by just plodding along, fairways and greens, and poof…… there he is on the first page of the leader board for the weekend.

That’ll probably make Mrs. Webb happy. Who’s he married to? Taylor Dowd Keith is her name, she goes by Dowd. The couple met in college at Wake Forest and married in 2010. They’ve got a couple kids and she was an aspiring actress (no, not porn you sick fuck, she did Shakespeare plays and shit).

Yup. Webb’s got it good. God bless the ladies of the South.

Blow It Up! Trump Will Leave His Mark

Like him or not, Donald Trump is the host of all hosts this week with the tour at his place in Miami. He bought Doral last year and has already put his sticky finger prints all over the place. After the final putt drops on Sunday he’ll blow up the TPC Blue Monster course and give it a make over (he’ll re-do any course he buys but can’t change his stupid fucking hair?).

Donald Trump, Gil Hanse

Trump hired architect Gil Hanse (also doing 2016 Olympic course in Rio) to remake the Blue Monster. The Donald says they’re doing massive changes and went on to describe them as such: “The first hole, an easy par 5, will be extended 100 yards with a lake to the right of the green. The par-3 15th hole will be turned into an island green, and the green on the par-3 ninth will be moved to the right along the water that guards the 18th green. This will allow the tee on the par-5 10th hole to move farther to the left so that the tee shot is over water.” Sounds like a brand new course, doesn’t it? 

The good news is he doesn’t plan on changing anything on the 18th hole. Why bother?  It is one of the hardest holes on tour every year. From what I’ve seen elsewhere when Trump buys a course, he puts up ugly water falls, fountains, and gimmicky bullshit everywhere (think Caddy Shack 2). We’ll have cross our fingers, hope for the best, and wait until next spring to see if the face lift looks like Joan Rivers or Jennifer Anniston.

 

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3 Responses to Nike Orgy Moves To South Beach To Eiffel Tower Webb Simpson: Doral Preview

  1. purkjason says:

    Luke will man handle the Swoosh Douche Combo.

  2. Herr Brotkopf says:

    Mrs. Simpson…wowza! Nice work by Webb to nab that Southern Belle.

  3. HB says:

    I will continue to read this blog based solely on the “Bitch Tits Tax-o-meter”

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