Abu Dhabi Nike Orgy With Martin Kaymer As Lucky Pierre

The golf world awoke today (or stayed up late) to watch the biggest two stars of the game go head to head in the middle east. No one was more excited than Nike CEO Phil Knight who was last seen walking around the desert night with a gaggle of hookers and a kilo of blow. The man with the best seat for viewing the headline match is Martin Kaymer, former No. 1 player in the world. This poor schmuck was selected by the Euro tour to fill out the threesome because, well…..somebody had to. Lucky him. I’m sure he’ll largely go unnoticed and post a decent score. His game has been dreadful for close to a year now and you have to suspect that his clutch performance at Medinah in the Ryder Cup will be a springboard to a better 2013. Hopefully they hit some good shots before I pass out on the couch trying to watch the show.

Now on to more important things related to Kaymer. Did you know he’s married? Yes, to a women. Shut the front door, right? Everyone I’ve ever discussed Kaymer with has had the same opinion that I had. He’s gay, like Turkish prison-gay, an absolute Peter-puffer. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I just figured he liked men. Shit, I’ve called him BGG, short for Big Gay German, for a at least 3 years now.  Look at the evidence. Exhibit A above, he wore a fucking scarf-thingy in the Arizona desert when it got a little chilly during the Accenture Match Play event in 2011.  Exhibit B that got him convicted in the court of public opinion was that strange embrace he had with a man on the 18th green at Whistling Straights when he won the 2010 PGA in a playoff over Bubba Watson. Do you remember that scene? It was odd, almost like they mounted each other attempting some sort of mouth hug before remembering the world was watching. I suppose it could have been his brother and over zealous German love, but my gay-dar was on red alert upon seeing that display of affection.

The mind-fuck grows because not only is he married, to a woman, but she’s hot and makes Rory’s tennis chick look like the homely mule that she is.

That is Mrs. Kaymer, better known as Allison Micheletti. The interwebs tell me that she was on TGC’s Big Break reality show and her dad played professional hockey. Fantastic. To me she appears to have a girl next door thing going for her. She’s cute and the sexy picture above (aided by air-brushing and touch-ups) really shows her well. Kudos to Martin, I didn’t think he had that in him. I’ll have to start thinking of a new nickname as BGG just won’t cut it anymore.

Now if after reading this entry and last week’s post about Dustin Johnson’s fucktoy (https://shutfacegolf.com/2013/01/10/war-paint-hot-new-ass-win/) you’re starting to get the impression that we’ll be talking about hot women on here……well, you’re absolutely right, so long as they’re somehow related to golf. Speaking of which, I need to start paying attention to what the Nike Orgy is doing on the golf course. I’ve only seen a few shots so far.  One was Tiger swinging left handed from some shrubs and now the commentator has made a Nazi related comment about Kaymer. Good times.

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8 Responses to Abu Dhabi Nike Orgy With Martin Kaymer As Lucky Pierre

  1. Mike Appleseed says:

    I’m pretty sure he wears a white belt that matches his shoes. Which equals the BGG moniker.

    • shutfacegolf says:

      Good one Mike. You must be following Zinger on Twitter. Hes killing white belt wearers of late. I personally dont give a fuck what belt anyone wears as long as it holds their pants up.

  2. shutfacegolf says:

    UPDATE: Allison plays the Cactus Tour. During her practice round today with fellow Big Break alums I tweeted that she should be referred to as Mrs. Kaymer. Her playing partner tweeted back that they’re no longer married. BGG moniker back in play.

  3. Pingback: Abu Dhabi Dooo!!!!! It’s Another Episode Of Hump Day Musings! | Shut Face Golf

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  5. Pingback: Everybody Loves Martin; Kaymer Wins At Sawgrass: Final Thoughts On Players Championship |

  6. mkaymer59@Twitter.com says:

    Micheletti couldn’t get Martin to stick it in. So she left him for a 44 year old washed up former hockey player who is 20 years older than she is and needs Viagra. Something is not quite right with Martin!

  7. Pingback: Como Se Llama, Tiger Is Back: Hump Day Musings |

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